▶ Your Answer :
With the advent of capitalism, our society has become a site of numerous competitions. The more competitive you are, the more successful you are likely to be. In this competitive society, it is really important for people to show their ability and strength which are referred to their competence. Considering this trait of modern society where people with great competence are more welcomed, I would have to agree with the statement that we should let others know our strengths and accomplishment in order to be successful in life. (흠.... 너무 본론이 길어요.이정도 길이면 분명히 자신이 주장하는 이유정도는 나와야 되는데 이유도 나오질 않고...)
To begin with, there is no doubt that the strengths and accomplishments are the parts of man’s career where the measuring stick of evaluation first touches. People are evaluated by their strengths and accomplishments. This is because those are the indication of their ability which serves as evidence of their capacity to work in particular field of works. (문장이 너무 길어요 끊어주세요) The traditional process of employment can well support this idea. Most of the companies require job-applicants to submit their resume in which they are supposed to include their accomplishment and careers to show their strengths. The resume is the requirement that is first reviewed by employers. It means that if applicants’ career and accomplishment are not impressive to cannot appreciate and impress the employers, they would not be likely accepted. This proves that employers and other influential people who can open the door of our success first evaluate our accomplishment. Therefore letting those people know our strengths and accomplishments is one important key to success.
On top of that, revealing one’s strengths and accomplishment is the best way to convince important people. others to accept you. We People might have several weakness and flaws in our their careers. However by maximizing our strengths and accomplishment, we people can compensate those weaknesses. For example, there was my friend who was recently accepted one of the best universities in our countries. Surprisingly, his grades are not good enough to enter the university. However, his statement of purpose, where he excellently described his strengths, accomplishment and how he was prepared for the course could convince the university faculties. This example shows that appealing by stressing out one’s strengths and accomplishment could be effective way to persuade others who have the key to his success.
To sum up, being reminded of this competitive society today, I would have to say that one must stress his strengths and accomplish to his fullest in order to prove his competence. Moreover, by maximizing those, we can also compensate our weaknesses. It is important to equip yourself various skills and abilities that make you competitive. But more important thing is to let them be expressed and shown to others because those are the first things that others see when they measure your capacity.
Comment: 약간의 정말 약간의 어색한표현같은게 있네요. 그리고 문장구조가... 너무 길면안돼요. 길게쓰지말고 짧고 간략하게 쓰는것이 더 많은 점수를 얻을 수 있을거라고 생각힙나다. 본론에서 자꾸 이유2가지를 언급안하시는데... 중요해요 정말로!
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