▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that universities should have funds to
support social activities. They may think social activities are important
factors for students. However, in my opinion universities have to spend money
to improve their cafeterias. This is because cafeterias can provide healthy
food and students can save their money.
To begin with, cafeterias can offer healthy food to
students when they are supported by schools. Generally, students can
reap many health benefits through healthy food such as relieving stress relief. (health benefits라고 하셨으니 따라오는 게 명사이어야 자연스럽습니다. 따라서 relieving stress와 동일한 뜻을 가지고 있는
stress relief를 사용해 주세요) As a result, it helps students be more effective in their study. For example,
there was a study conducted by the Korea food association with students as
respondents. The study’s main purpose was to
determine how the quality of food affects students’ performance
in school. There were two groups are monitored for 3 weeks. (were이 들어갔으니 are이
들어올 수가 없습니다) One group consisted
of people who ate healthy food and another the other group was made up of people who ate junk
food. Researchers gave them same directions and the result was are very
intriguing. (was are?) The former group’s students had a better memory span than other group’s people. They said
since healthy food made them more happy happier and relaxed, they could study with
enjoyment. This showed that healthy food gave students benefits.
On top of that, students can save much money with
cafeterias. If cafeterias provide high quality and low priced food, they do not
need to go to off-campus restaurants to eat. Generally, off-campus restaurants
offer food with higher prices than universities’
cafeterias. Therefore students who buy food on-campus can save their money. Let
me take my experience as an example. When I was in college, my school’s cafeterias was one of the worst restaurants in the town.
Therefore many people including me went to off-campus restaurants. It was very
time-consuming and I had to spend a lot of money to get some food. One day, my college
decided to renovate the cafeteria and new rules were set up to support it cafeteria.
Thanks to the college’s decision, I could use the
cafeteria being which provided high quality and low priced food. Eventually,
I could save so much money and I used my money on books. This proved that good
cafeterias help students to save their money.
To sum up, I believe that colleges should have
invest their money to improve cafeterias. This is due to the fact that students
can gain health benefits and save their money.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale Score: 21 Fair
Overall Comment: 잘 쓰셨습니다. 글의 포인트를 잘 세워주셨고 논리적으로 잘 설명하셨어요. 근거도 적절합니다. 다만 문법 오류가 잦으셔서 감점을 드렸어요. 명사가 복수형태일때 쓰시는 동사가 복수형이 아닐 때가 많으신 것 같습니다. (반대도 마찬가지) was are 와 같은 실수들도 조심해 주세요. |