▶ Your Answer :
In
contemporary society, movies and television shows have tremendous impacts on
people's minds and behavior since they are everywhere. I believe movies and
televisions make people to set the standard of beauty in a certain way. This is
because not only many people go through plastic surgery to look like movie
stars, but also they they also spend lot of
money on clothes that celebrities wore in the media.
First of all, media sets the standard of beauty by showing the ideal
faces of celebrities. Today, plastic surgery makes is a
huge industry and it is keeps growing.
According to Korea Daily, one of the biggest news media in Korea, 78% of people
who went through plastic surgery responded that they got the surgery because
they wanted to look like a TV star. For instance, almost every TV stars (every뒤에 오는 명사는 단수여야 합니다.) in
Korea has double eye lids and a sharp nose, and many people go
to hospitals and ask doctors to fix their face to look like those celebrities.
Celebrities in the movies and TV shows who look like Barbie
dolls make people unsatisfied with their own faces.
Secondly, lot of people spend money on trendy fashion to look
like a famous TV show's main character. It is not an exaggeration to say
that movies and TV shows are now becoming the most effective way to advertise
certain style of clothes or accessories. My own experience explains this. When
the famous American TV show Gossip girl was a hit, I purchased many hair bands
that are were similar to what the two main characters
have worn in that show. Although I do did (과거이니 과거형으로 바꿔주셔요.) not
wear hair bands in general, it looked very attractive on the main character's
hair which led me to buy some. I realized how the TV show could affect my view
on beauty, even changing my fashion taste.
In conclusion, I strongly believe TV shows and
movies influence people to set the standard of beauty for two reasons. People
go through medical surgery to look like stars in the movies and
TV shows, and they consume purchase trendy clothes
after they watch movies and TV shows.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale Score: 22 (Fair)
Overall Comment: 포인트를 잘 잡아주셨어요. 논리적으로 근거도 잘 대주셨고 설득력이 매우 좋습니다. 다만 문법적인 오류들이 잦아서 감점을 드릴 수 밖에 없엇습니다. 동사의 시제 오류가 잦으셨고, 대문자 표기법 오류도 있으셨어요. 어색한 표현들도 더 적절한 표현들로 바꿔드렸어요. (consume - purchase. Consume은 먹는다 라는 뜻으로도 쓰여서 저 맥락에서는 purchase가 더 자연스럽습니다.) |