▶ Your Answer : Evidently,
possessions people have play a significant role in their life where they work
and play. There might be some people who believe that when people have a fewer
possessions they have, they can feel happier, while others do not think
this way. If I had to choose one, I would say that when people have as many
possessions as they can, they will be happier. There are several reasons as
follows. To begin with, a
large sum of money can contribute to an increase in their overall happiness.
Money is necessary to get what they want, including necessities of life and
luxury items. Purchasing what they need can help them to deal with a lot
of strain and pressure. Let me bring up my personal example to describe this
point. When my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking
that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world,
she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects. Naturally, she got a
lot of stress and strain. Fortunately, she was able to let off some steams
by going to shopping and dressing in the height of fashion. By doing
this, she was able to improve her appearance and thus feel confident. Many people
around her respected her, allowing her to be optimistic, strong and accordingly
happy. Otherwise, she could have involved herself in dangerous activities, such
as fights. She realized that having a lot of money is a key factor of an enjoyable life. (예시가 조금 아쉬워요. 돈이 없었으면 싸울 수도 있었다, 이것보다 도둑질이 더 적절할 것 같습니다. 도둑질 =
theft) When people have a
huge amount of money, this can increase their physical health. Great medical
technology is equipped with many functions that help people to effectively
relieve their pain, but these medical skills is are very expensive.
What this means is that when people cannot spend a large sum of money treating
themselves through the medical skills, they would suffer from serious ailments. Deterring them from
treating themselves prevents them from feeling happy. For instance, when I was
a middle school student, I suffered from respiratory illnesses. This is because
I breathed in dust and air pollutants emitted by cars while walking along the
street every day. However, it was difficult for me to go to hospitals because I
did not have money. For this reason, I had to get over my problem by spending
three hours a day exercising at a park. It was really stressful, because I had
difficulty exercising at the park during the winter. Since then ever, I
have firmly believed that money is the key to be healthy, strong and thus
happy.
All things
considered, I strongly assert that the fewer possessions people have, the less
content they will be. All in all, money cannot be overestimated in the pursuit
of happiness.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale Score: 21 (Fair)
Overall Comment: 포인트를 살짝 빗나간 것 같아서 아쉽습니다. 주제가 'fewer possessions' 였는데, 이 본문의 주제는 possessions보다 money였던 것 같아서 아쉬웠어요. 작은 문법 오류들이 있어서 또 감점을 드렸습니다. (수의 일치, 비동사) 문법 연습을 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같아요.
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