▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is better for the elderly to exercise less for the elderly and young people need to do more exercise. However, in my opinion, the elderly should do require more exercise than young people. This is because the elderly need to relieve their stress and improve their physical weakness.
To begin with, as people get older, their hormone changes in a way that changed, physical and mental stress directly affect on the elderly's bodies. So they need to expel their stress by doing exercise. Having the outlet for stress has a meaning in itself since it helps one regain energy and find the strength to go on. People nowadays have more pressure not only physically but also mentally. It will help people get back on track after stretching themselves and running around with their friends. For example, my father and mother do exercise more than they were young. I asked them why they're working out so much hard doing so, the answer I got was that when they become older, the perception of being old which can be proved from weak bones and consistent disease makes them really stressful. So they go to hiking and jogging to emit their stress and live happily.
On top of that, the elder people need more exercise because they are not as strong as young people. To be specific, the importance of health should be prioritized than anything else. Without good health, nothing can be achieved. Like there is a saying, "sound body, sound mind.", keeping in shape enables the elderly to maximize their work productivity and be self-confident. For example, there was a poll conducted by institution of a health in Korea, with over 60-year old male and female as respondents. The purpose of survey was to understand the consensus view about the elder who frequently sick physically than they were young. An overwhelming 75% had responded that they were really sick more often than they were young. (Repeated) The reason was that bones and joint's power steadily decreased when people become older, so they were exposed to the environment which easily get a disease.
To sum up, the elderly need an outlet for emitting their stress and can overcome their physical weakness by exercising. In this regard, I firmly believe that they need to exercise more than young people.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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2
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3
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2
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3
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Score
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Fair 18-21
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it is for to 구문 순서 정확히 서술해주셔야 합니다. 전체적인 frame은 좋은 편인데, 두 번째 단락에서 반복적인 구문이 많이 보입니다. immune system, muscle 등등 나이가 들면서 약해지는 부분들을 예로 넣어주시면 좋습니다.
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