▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that television should be utilized to instruct people rather than to entertain them, while others do not think this way. Both sides may have their own reasons to support them. I strongly suggest that the television should be made use of in order to entertain them. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, making television a tool to instruct people can contribute to a decrease in their overall happiness. Ppeople must already be taking a lot lof of classes at school or maintaining hectic schedules at their companies, so they are living working under tremendous stress. Accordingly, the television to try to additionally offer information and thus teach them can bring up a more stressful life. Let me bring up my personal example to verify my contention. When I was in high school, I often felt depressed thinking that my life had become an exhausting routine. To survive in a the competitive world, I spent the whole day studying all academic subjects hoping that I could outdo others. To make things worse, my mother forced me to watch only TV-programs that were educational for developing my problem solving skills. At that time, it It prevented me form getting some rest and letting off some steam. Naturally, I got a lot lof of pressure and strain and had difficulty dealing with such stress, so I was emotionally emtionally unstable. On top of that, television to entertain people can improve their academic performance. To be more specific, the television provides them with an a enjoyable atmosphere in which people can recharge their batteries and thus refocus on work. When they are recharged well, they are likely to have more energy to put into their work and being active, which leads them to work efficiently. For instance, many research teams, including Tokyo Research Center, analyzed data from two groups of students at a dormitory domitory of a science school. One group consisted of those who were required to watch TV programs TV-progarms that suggested academic solutions and thus helped them correct their wrong behaviors regarding studying, whereas the other group was made up of those who watched entertaining programs. did freely them. They added that most of the first group spent time watching funny moivesor progarms related to music. 흐름상 별로 필요하지 않은 내용이에요. The researchers found that the latter was more likely to have a higher score on the SAT than the former. This is due to the fact that the latter first group could easily handle their strain through the television, reflect their day and renew their study plans while relaxing. On the other hand, a lot of stress deterred detered the first second group from effectively learning of study. This clearly shows that the television can be a welcome distraction from busy life, which can cause them to be more passionate in their work. 지금 주장도 충분히 reasonable하지만, 말씀하신 것처럼 본론1도 스트레스와 관련된 내용이기 때문에 주장의 다양성 면에서 좀 아쉽기는 해요. 아예 다른 방향의 구별되는 주장을 제시하는 편이 보통 점수를 더 잘 받을 수 있어요. entertaining한 목적으로 사용되는 것의 이점을 다른 방향에서 더 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. social skill 측면에서 접근하거나 bond with loved ones 측면에서 논리를 펴볼 수도 있고요. All things considered, I firmly argue that television must be a device that to help people have fun, not to give them information and as such manage and to teach them. , because it It is television for entertaining that can prevent them from feeling more exhausted and encourage have them to show a greater enthusiasm in their work.
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5
Comment : 말씀하신 것처럼 두 본론의 주장이 결국 하나의 주장으로 수렴한다는 점이 조금 아쉽습니다. 문장 활용을 잘 하시니까 논리 방향을 잘 잡으시면 별개의 두 가지 주장으로도 충분히 글을 풀어내실 수 있을 거예요. 두 본론의 분량이 너무 많이 차이나면 균형 면에서도 감점요인이 될 수 있으니 이 부분도 신경써주세요. 오탈자 체크도 꼼꼼하게 해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning - 완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함 - 적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함 - 중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남 - 글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임 |